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Bauer and Gadget, Womb-mates

Friday, November 17, 2006 by Geoff

According to my research: Inspector Gadget is Jack Bauer's retarded, half, part machine, brother. I haven't been conducting this study for several years, months, or even days. I thought of it while I was walking to the bathroom. Also, there was actually no studying involved. And you may ask yourself, "well...how did I get here?" I would immediately ask you to stop quoting the Talking Heads because, this is an entry about Jack Bauer's and Inspector Gadget's blood relation.

Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I present to you: Bauer and Gadget; Same Ma, different Pa.


Much like the Hanson Brothers from the movie SLAPSHOT, whom share a common love for hockey, brothers, Bauer and Gadget share a common love: law enforcement. Yes, I know this is a weak point. Just because they are both special agents for the law doesn't mean they are brothers. If you would allow me to stop interrupting myself I will present more evidence.

2. Dr. Claw and Other Terrorist

Inspector Gadget and Jack aren't your normal, everyday, pull-over-this-guy-for-speeding cops. They are saviors of the civilized world. They deal with the baddest of the badasses. Dr. Claw has 3 goals in life: 1. Kill Gadget. 2. Take over the world. 3. Kill Gadget, again. Doesn't that sound very similar to season one of 24?! Jack's family was kidnapped just because an accented Dennis Hopper had a vendetta against Jack -- He was pissed that Jack killed him. I say stop bitchin', he must have not killed you good enough. Mr. Hopper was using Jack's family to lure him into his evil dockside lair so he could kill him. Guess what, Jack didn't die, not even for a second. Jack is almost immortal, Gadget is half robot; they can't be stopped.

3. In and Out Like Sauerkraut

No hideout, base, compound, house, prison, or villainous complex is too difficult for Gadget or Bauer to infiltrate. Whether Bauer drives a van through the building or Gadget accidentally wonders into the place. No matter what the situation is, they get in and handle they biz.

4. Happy Boss Day

Although, I would argue both are unbossable, bossless, they receive orders from someone. In season two of 24, George Mason gave Jack orders, sort of. And Gadget's Boss, Chief Quimby, shows up at the beginning of every episode to give the Inspector "suggestions" for what he should do that episode. But because Gadget and Bauer hate being bossed around so much, they just kill those who boss them. Again, in season two, Jack was so pissed that Mason was telling him what to do, Jack placed George in a nuclear laden plane and told him to crash it into the ground. BALLIN! Inspector Gadget loathed Quimby like no other, Gadget blew him up every show, just because he wanted to, with the "self-destructing" message.

5. Failure to Abort

Even though they are not fit to raise kids in this crazy world because they are too involved with their careers, they both have daughters. Kim and Penny. They are destine to be on an episode of Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil (to Kim): Because of your father, you have been kidnapped several times, by the same people. Lost in the woods with Johnny Drama, and your mom died?

Kim (sobbing): Yes

Dr. Phil (to Penny): Your dad, he has a helicopter in his hat?

Penny (sobbing): Yes, well, it's not really whole helicopter, just the propeller...

Dr. Phil: And he can fly with it?

Penny (sobbing harder): Yes

And they both have blond hair. You can't deny genetics.

In conclusion, please, do not take this study lightly. It is the most serious subject that I have ever been serious about. The facts I have present throughout this essay are facts, not fables or folklore, cold hard, tell-it-to-your-mama facts. If you can't understand the logic I used to prove that Jack Bauer and Inspector Gadget came from the womb, I would suggested calling the grade school you attended and ask if you can come back.

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How Would Batman Vote (HWBV)?

Thursday, November 16, 2006 by Geoff

Although vote day was last week, I present this little gem.

Batman is a true independent, a man of solid principles and baffling contradictions. This may be because he is mentally ill. Batman has an almost paranoid distrust of government institutions, yet believes in the rule of law. He’s an urban vigilante, yet he’s a proponent of gun control. Batman is anti-death penalty to a fault – how many times has he had to capture the mass-murdering Joker and return him to Arkham Asylum instead of the electric chair? Contradictions be damned.

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Hate and Hate Alike

Wednesday, November 15, 2006 by Geoff

If you share the same thoughts and feelings as I do, then you too hate that shit-tacular comic-strip "Marmaduke". Why hasn't this dog died of canine cancer yet? Why hasn't the creator of this strip been stricken with the most painful case of carpal tunnel syndrome, or been kicked in the head until he agreed to quit making the awfulness.

I don't have any answer to the questions above but here is a fun site to take away the pain.

I seriously loathe this dog. Nothing about the strip is funny. I have laughed more at funerals than I have at this crap.

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Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Swords Sort of Hurt

Monday, November 13, 2006 by Geoff

(**alert to my readers. This is just a test, I'm trying a service that pays me to post about their products. I am just trying to see if it's for real. If all goes well I will get $4 for this post. Go me.**)

It was 1888, England and it's people were too occupied with Jack the Ripper to notice anything. They were so enthralled with Jack and his ripping, they failed to notice the ghastly battle between the Ninjas and the Zombies.

The Ninjas, with their stealthiness and their swords, and the Zombies, with their rigor mortis, and hunger for brains, were battling for supremacy of the Internet. You ask, "How were they battling over supremacy of the Internet, when this event occurred in 1888?" I will tell you...

During the mid-medieval times, a great samurai came down from the heavens upon a giant wooden sword. He came down and told the Ninjas of the most wonderful land of the future known as the Internet. He told them of the fame and glory they would receive from the Internet. The Ninjas grew excited from this news, they couldn't wait for the future. They imagined all the swords they could buy with all of their fame and glory. But the wise, time traveling, sword mastering man warned them it would not be that easy. He told them of a great, undead warrior known as the Zombies.

He told the Ninjas they would have to battle the undead to the death for complete rule of the Internet. The great warrior told them to use their swords swiftly to destroy the brain. The Ninjas said they would...

Recently, today, the Zombies took away the Ninja's swords and are now known as: Zombies with swords!

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Hodge Podge for $300

by Geoff

I hope everyone had a happy Geoff birthday weekend. I know I did...With me turning one year older, a quarter century to be exact, it got me thinking, "This cake is good. I wonder who first celebrated birthdays."

According to wikipedia:
It is thought that the large-scale celebration of birthdays in Europe began with the cult of Mithras, which originated in Persia but was spread by soldiers throughout the Roman Empire. Before this, such celebrations were not common; and, hence, practices from other contexts such as the Saturnalia were adapted for birthdays. Because many Roman soldiers took up Mithraism, it had a wide distribution and influence throughout the empire until it was supplanted by Christianity.

Birthday celebrations were rare during the Middle Ages but saw a resurgence with the advent of the Reformation. During this period, they were seen as a good way to transfer customs from the saint's days to other dates not linked to the newly repudiated veneration of saints.

Let's hear it for the middle ages!
Even today, the celebration of birthdays is not universal in the West; in addition to those people preferring name day celebrations, Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate either, considering them to be pagan festivals along with Christmas and Easter.

Jehovies always ruining a good time. Thanks a lot J-hova.

Also, a new The Simpsons movie trailer premiered last night during The Simpsons. I am a big fan of Homer and his family, I have been since first grade. I have only caught two episodes this season because in recent years, at times, it is hard to watch. Last night I laughed a few times, but I feel they are trying too hard.

The Simpsons Trailer

I laughed at the dead rabbit, and the rock and a hard place gag. I'm not sure how to feel about this movie. I hope it is quality and not embarrassing.

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The name is Geoff. Give me a job. I already have one, but I want something esle.


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