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Jack Bauer is a Vampire

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With the 4 hour premier of 24 airing yesterday and Sunday, the fiancee and myself are no longer safe. Coming late to the party as some would say, I started watching season 1 of 24 back in September, then with 4 episodes to go in season 2 Melissa join in on the JBPH. Now, four months later, 4 whole seasons in the bag, we are playing with a loaded gun. Not a loaded gun that shoots bullets, mind you, we are playing with a gun loaded with 24 spoilers.

The first couple of months had been easy. 24 was months away from premiering its 6th season, it wasn't really on anybody's mind. Then December came. Every time we turned on Fox, whether it was for the Simpsons, an Eagles game, or some other crap, we had to advert our eyes and scream to prevent ourselves from seeing an advertisement for 24. I like to think we were succesful in not viewing any unwanted spoilage, but I know deep in my heart that I saw things that were not meant for me to see.

Now, the first four hours of season six has premiered and we are just about to start Season 5 (if it weren't for the netflix's use of the USPS we would be up to date). The next few weeks are going to be hard. While we take in the glory that is and will be season five, the rest of the world is taking in the Bauerness that is season six. Our friends and family no not to say anything to us (I'm looking at you grandmom), but I'm more afraid of the accidental spoils. For example, a few minutes ago I was sitting at my cubicle minding my own damn business when I hear "Jack", "last night," "awesome." The insensitive twits on the other side of my cubicle were talking about 24. I wanted to yell, "SPOILER ALERT!", but instead I shoved my earbuds into my skull and frantically pushed play on my ipod. The sudden pain the loud music provided was a fine deterrent of the spoils, but I'm afraid.

I am afraid of what will happen when I'm at the gym and don't have my headphones when some punks start discussing Jack's latest killing spree, what I am suppose to do then. I would like to think I would react fast enough and drop the closest 45-pound plate on my head and knock myself out, but what if it takes too long to bludgeon myself unconscious?

The next few weeks will be a challenge, but a challenge, through the lessons learned from Jack Bauer, I welcome. I will shoot down and torture any possible spoiler like a dirty terrorist or a CTU mole. But being only a man, and not Jack Bauer, I have fears.


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According to my research: Inspector Gadget is Jack Bauer's retarded, half, part machine, brother. I haven't been conducting this study for several years, months, or even days. I thought of it while I was walking to the bathroom. Also, there was actually no studying involved. And you may ask yourself, "well...how did I get here?" I would immediately ask you to stop quoting the Talking Heads because, this is an entry about Jack Bauer's and Inspector Gadget's blood relation.

Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I present to you: Bauer and Gadget; Same Ma, different Pa.

1. CTU & MCPD

Much like the Hanson Brothers from the movie SLAPSHOT, whom share a common love for hockey, brothers, Bauer and Gadget share a common love: law enforcement. Yes, I know this is a weak point. Just because they are both special agents for the law doesn't mean they are brothers. If you would allow me to stop interrupting myself I will present more evidence.

2. Dr. Claw and Other Terrorist

Inspector Gadget and Jack aren't your normal, everyday, pull-over-this-guy-for-speeding cops. They are saviors of the civilized world. They deal with the baddest of the badasses. Dr. Claw has 3 goals in life: 1. Kill Gadget. 2. Take over the world. 3. Kill Gadget, again. Doesn't that sound very similar to season one of 24?! Jack's family was kidnapped just because an accented Dennis Hopper had a vendetta against Jack -- He was pissed that Jack killed him. I say stop bitchin', he must have not killed you good enough. Mr. Hopper was using Jack's family to lure him into his evil dockside lair so he could kill him. Guess what, Jack didn't die, not even for a second. Jack is almost immortal, Gadget is half robot; they can't be stopped.

3. In and Out Like Sauerkraut

No hideout, base, compound, house, prison, or villainous complex is too difficult for Gadget or Bauer to infiltrate. Whether Bauer drives a van through the building or Gadget accidentally wonders into the place. No matter what the situation is, they get in and handle they biz.

4. Happy Boss Day

Although, I would argue both are unbossable, bossless, they receive orders from someone. In season two of 24, George Mason gave Jack orders, sort of. And Gadget's Boss, Chief Quimby, shows up at the beginning of every episode to give the Inspector "suggestions" for what he should do that episode. But because Gadget and Bauer hate being bossed around so much, they just kill those who boss them. Again, in season two, Jack was so pissed that Mason was telling him what to do, Jack placed George in a nuclear laden plane and told him to crash it into the ground. BALLIN! Inspector Gadget loathed Quimby like no other, Gadget blew him up every show, just because he wanted to, with the "self-destructing" message.

5. Failure to Abort

Even though they are not fit to raise kids in this crazy world because they are too involved with their careers, they both have daughters. Kim and Penny. They are destine to be on an episode of Dr. Phil.


Dr. Phil (to Kim): Because of your father, you have been kidnapped several times, by the same people. Lost in the woods with Johnny Drama, and your mom died?

Kim (sobbing): Yes

Dr. Phil (to Penny): Your dad, he has a helicopter in his hat?

Penny (sobbing): Yes, well, it's not really whole helicopter, just the propeller...

Dr. Phil: And he can fly with it?

Penny (sobbing harder): Yes


And they both have blond hair. You can't deny genetics.



In conclusion, please, do not take this study lightly. It is the most serious subject that I have ever been serious about. The facts I have present throughout this essay are facts, not fables or folklore, cold hard, tell-it-to-your-mama facts. If you can't understand the logic I used to prove that Jack Bauer and Inspector Gadget came from the womb, I would suggested calling the grade school you attended and ask if you can come back.




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During the last month and half, while I was posting Halloween related entries, something, someone entered my life. That something: 24 (the tv show), that someone: Jack Bauer (the man).

Yes. I admit, I am a bit late. About 5 years late, but I don't care. There is no reason for me not partaking the Jack Bauer Power Hour for the last 5 years. I knew it was on, I knew it was good. Members of my family watched it, my friends watched it. I really don't know why I didn't give it a shot earlier. Maybe I didn't want to succumb to the hype. Maybe deep-down-inside I was scared I would love this f'in show like a crackhead loves crack.

Now, since mid September I have been playing catch up. My goal is watch all 5 season of 24 in time for the January, season 6 premier. They said it would be impossible, "Unless that man were a god, watching 5 seasons of one show in 4 or less months is insane. Not to mention the mental anguish that mere man would go through. The sleepless nights, the hunger filled days, the urine soaked pants! Complete madness I tell you. Madness!" Well, after my grandmom told me this I requested that she be committed to a hospital because of her lack of faith in Geoff's Mang!

But I digress...

Since I have been watching 24, I feel I have lost touch with reality. I tune into the news waiting to hear President Palmer speak ( I know, I know, I have a hunch he isn't president anymore but, please, please don't ruin it for me), or to hear LA is being threaten by radioactive squirrels (wink). I now want to be just like Jack. I want to yell at people, really loud, "sit down!" I want to tell a co-worker an outlandish story, but tell them there is no time to explain. "I just had to assume the identity of jesus while birthing a camel, but there is no time to explain." I want to be Jack.

Some people have said that I've gone insane, when in fact, I have gone outsane by shooting insane in the knee, and breaking the Pope's neck with a scissor-leg-lock.

I will keep you updated with my progress. As of today: 2 season down, 3 seasons to go. I will start season 3 sometime this week.


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