"I ate the whole thing, it was the only way to save him."

That's what Matt Ayum said when asked about his actions this past Saturday night while attending a local Scientology mass. Ayum, 28, ate the entire "Book of Scientology" - Scientology's Bible - to save his friend William Wood, 29, from the "lobotomy that is Scientology," said Ayum.

Matt, Wood's roommate, noticed his friend had changed after a run in with a Tom Cruise look-a-like. "Yeah, we just rented "War of the Worlds," and this Tom Cruise looking guy came up to us, he said "The truth is out there," and handed us some pamphlets."

Immediately Ayum deposited the hand-out on the ground, however William place it in his breast pocket and whispered, "You had me at hello."

Ayum stated, "I knew something was wrong when I came home one day and Will had hung up several statues of a crucified alien." That alien, Xenu, the Jesus of Scientology - except Xenu had a intergalactic spaceship and deposited frozen people in volcanoes.

Side-note it is in this writer's humble opinion that "The Passion of Xenu," would have been a much radder movie.

Ayum was alarmed and didn't know what to do. That night he had a dream. "I was in a dark room, and the lights flashed on. I found myself seated at a table . . ." What happened next provided him with the answer. "a faceless waiter flew in through a black rainbow and placed a plated covered in tin-foil on the table before me. I removed the foil. It was a tiny Brooke Shields, in a pita wrap yelling, "Eat it!""

The next morning Matt told Wood he wanted to attended a "Sci-todge" mass.

"I had no plan of attack. I entered the worshipping area and bumrushed the alter." Ayum grabbed the closest Book of Scientology and stuffed his mouth with fistfuls of pages. "I only had the cover left, I started chewing and I suddenly felt dizzy. I blacked out. I thought I failed."

Matt Ayum didn't fail, he finished. The job. Matt's actions got him a bellyful of Scientology scripture, but more importantly he got his friend back.

What does Scientology taste like? "Bullshit,"said Matt, and he means that in a literal sense. In 1953, to give the infant religion that "old world this-is-an-ancient-religion-waist-deep-in-tradition" smell, the Scientology leaders decided to bath ever piece of Scientology literature in cow poop.

-Staff Writer

If my new layout is messed up in anyone's browswer let me know. Thanks.

-From the Law Offices of Bob Loblaw

Dave Chappelle's "Block Party," as of this posting, 8:08 AM 03/03/06, has a 94% fresh rating on rottentomatoes. I really don't care what the critics have to say, but I was looking forward to this movie and I'm glad people are liking it. Who wouldn't like it? It has The Roots in it. I'm hoping to see it tonight, it will be a good time.

Will 'Arrested' Rise Again?

"The New York Post's Page Six reported Tuesday the cable network has not only picked up the cancelled show, it has ordered 26 more episodes. The news supports recent Internet rumblings about producers hammering out a deal with Showtime execs."

This will be so sweet.

Actor Darren McGavin, played father in “A Christmas Story,” dies at 83

"The husky, tough-talking performer went on to become one of the busiest actors in television and film, starring in five TV series, including “Mike Hammer,” and endearing holiday audiences with his role as the grouchy dad in the 1983 comedy classic “A Christmas Story.”"

I didn't realize he was 83. I don't know much of his work, but I know he was perfect in "A Christmas Story," and he did a nice job in "Billy Madison."

RIP.

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 7/10 correct!

^^^^Damn, take that, 7 out of 10. I didn't realize 8th grade math was so hard. . . or not hard.